Episode 14

The One about Sex and Spirituality with Alexandra Roxo [Re-release]

Published on: 18th April, 2024

In week's episode I am re-releasing my favourite episode from 2018 in which I speak to Alexandra Roxo, bestselling author, relationships and intimacy coach, and mentor to women.

Listen to us talk about:

  • How we as human beings are messy and amazing
  • How our relationship with our bodies and our relationship with the earth are intertwined
  • How to be an introspective spiritual being AND a relational being who is awake and alive in the world
  • The fact that sex is a fundamental part of who we are, and 
  • The intersection of modern spirituality and sexuality
  • The power of vulnerability and presence and their role in transforming our lives

Plus, ….We talk about how we act as mirrors for each other, and the value of being able to stay the course in the face of difficulty or challenge and TRULY relate to each other.

And, in this week's behind-the-scenes 'The Patron Part about Sex and Spirituality' I look back at this episode and give you an update 6 years on and 'spill the tea' on what Alexandra is up to now.

Become a subscriber to 'The Patron Part' of the podcast for just £5. (or by joining The Maven Haven®️)

Find out more about the podcast, all the perks of becoming a patron, and leave me a voice note testimonial here: https://www.ebonieallard.com/podcast

Meet Alexandra Roxo

Alexandra Roxo is a bestselling author, relationships and intimacy coach, and mentor to women.

She is passionate about breaking patterns in intimacy that keep us feeling alone, single and stuck.  She brings an in depth background in depth psychology, spirituality, and conscious relationship work to her practice with couples and single women longing to call in and keep love. She  has been featured as a guest speaker on many renowned podcasts and on TV including on three episodes of Netflix's hot show Too Hot To Handle where she was called the "Deeper Connection Queen" supporting singles into finding emotional connection in love, and learning communication skills to deepen intimacy, 

She has also appeared on ViceTV’s Slutever, Epix’s Sex / Life show and at numerous festivals and events worldwide.  She has also been featured in the NY Times, Harper’s Bazaar, Vogue, The Guardian, Playboy, InStyle Magazine and many other international publications for her work.

Her latest book DARE TO FEEL:  The Transformational Path of the Heart is out now, full of stories and exercises to help you feel more deeply and in turn love more deeply. Her first book F*CK LIKE A GODDESS: Heal Yourself, Reclaim Your Voice, Stand in Your Power debuted in July 2020 with Sounds True to be #1 new release and bestseller  in 3 categories on Amazon for 3 weeks in a row and was featured on Refinery 29, Pop Sugar, Bustle, and InStyle as a radical guidebook for women longing to feel empowered and inspired in their sexuality and body.

She leads retreats and workshops around the world and sees clients and couples in her coaching practice online and in person.  

She is the mother to a beautiful daughter and life partner to her soul mate dreamboat hunk of a man. Together they live under oak trees drenched with Spanish Moss, spending time by the ocean, drinking tea, and dancing as much as possible.

https://www.alexandraroxo.com

https://www.instagram.com/alexandraroxo

Fav quotes from this episode:

“We won't ever feel whole or happy if we don't accept our sexuality”

“We have to get to know our own demons...in order to show up”

“When we come to this magical earth school, it is to learn this relational way of exploring who we are”

“Dripping things out of your pussy is awesome”

“Why would we have been born into this delicious vehicle and been asked to ignore one of its parts and to shut it down”

===

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If you want to take the next step on your journey of empowerment, embodiment and full self-expression, Ebonie's signature tool is called 'The value Filter' (aka YOUR COMPASS)and is a prerequisite for any deeper programs, you can find more information about it here and if you're not ready for that, I highly recommend joining our free monthly community call

To talk to Ebonie about anything in this episode you can whatsapp her or DM her on Instagram.

If you have enjoyed the podcast, please rate, subscribe and leave us a review as it really helps more people find us. Thank you. If you leave a review and send me a screenshot I’ll send you a £10 credit note to use at www.eboniealchemy.com/products

Transcript
Ebonie Allard:

This week's guest is passionate about breaking

Ebonie Allard:

patterns in intimacy that keep us feeling alone, single and

Ebonie Allard:

stuck. She brings an in depth background in psychology

Ebonie Allard:

spirituality and conscious relationship work to her

Ebonie Allard:

practice with couples and single women looking to call in and

Ebonie Allard:

keep love. Her latest book dare to feel the transformational

Ebonie Allard:

path of the heart is out now. Her first book, back like a

Ebonie Allard:

goddess, heal yourself reclaim your voice stand in your power,

Ebonie Allard:

debuted in July 2020 to be number one new release and best

Ebonie Allard:

seller in three categories on Amazon for three weeks in a row

Ebonie Allard:

and was featured on refinery 29 Pop Sugar bustle, and InStyle is

Ebonie Allard:

a radical guidebook for women longing to feel empowered and

Ebonie Allard:

inspired in their sexuality and body. She is best selling

Ebonie Allard:

author, relationship and intimacy coach and mentor,

Ebonie Allard:

Alexandra Roxo. And this is a re released episode, which we

Ebonie Allard:

recorded in August 2018. So before any of that had happened,

Ebonie Allard:

and while she was hosting Moon club, this is a really good

Ebonie Allard:

episode, because I am taking some time out from recording is

Ebonie Allard:

one of my favourite episodes, and I think you'll get a lot

Ebonie Allard:

from it. And if you are a patron, or if you're like

Ebonie Allard:

becoming a patron now, I will be doing a follow up on where she

Ebonie Allard:

is now and what has changed for her and a little bit about her

Ebonie Allard:

journey. Over the last six seven years since we recorded

Ebonie Allard:

Alexandra is somebody who I have kept in touch with and whilst we

Ebonie Allard:

don't see each other regularly, we have continued to stay

Ebonie Allard:

friends and to dialogue with one another. So I really really hope

Ebonie Allard:

that you enjoy this episode. If you do please do reach out to

Ebonie Allard:

her and let her know that you enjoyed it and become a patron

Ebonie Allard:

so that you can hear the lowdown on what's happened to her since

Ebonie Allard:

we recorded this interview. Enjoy.

Ebonie Allard:

You are listening to adulting with Ebonie season seven brings

Ebonie Allard:

together neurodiversity Human Design and embodiment so that

Ebonie Allard:

Gen X or millennial misfits and late diagnosed neuro spaces

Ebonie Allard:

become empowered, embodied and fully expressed. This is the

Ebonie Allard:

show where I actively encourage you to feel your feelings rather

Ebonie Allard:

than think that glow up, not grow up and become full of

Ebonie Allard:

yourself. Because who the fuck else should you be full of each

Ebonie Allard:

week I have real and raw conversations about what it

Ebonie Allard:

takes to be fully resourced and have happy, healthy, intimate

Ebonie Allard:

relationships as a dopamine deficient adult wanting to

Ebonie Allard:

create a better future by being the change that you want to see

Ebonie Allard:

in the world. I'm your host Ebonie Allard aka Ebonie

Ebonie Allard:

Alchemy, a late diagnosed AudHDer combined type

Ebonie Allard:

andaspergers in case you like specifics. Artist, mystic and

Ebonie Allard:

self actualization facilitator. I'm an international award

Ebonie Allard:

winning multiple brain integration technique master

Ebonie Allard:

coach with special interest in embodied human design for Neuro

Ebonie Allard:

divergence. I've been in the personal development creativity

Ebonie Allard:

and entrepreneurship spaces all of my life and as a five to

Ebonie Allard:

emotional manifesting generator with a left angle cross of

Ebonie Allard:

destruction. I am here to help you know what to trust and what

Ebonie Allard:

to tune out. Each week I share relatable practical ways that

Ebonie Allard:

mean you get to take less responsibility for more award

Ebonie Allard:

and safely remove your camouflage for more belonging,

Ebonie Allard:

acceptance and fulfilment. Ready, let's go

Ebonie Allard:

welcome.

Alexandra Roxo:

Thank you so much. It's really nice to have

Alexandra Roxo:

someone else read your bio, because you're like, oh, wow, I

Alexandra Roxo:

have done something. You sort of forget, you know,

Ebonie Allard:

you know what I really know like, it's equally

Ebonie Allard:

like when anyone explains who you are like, I really love

Ebonie Allard:

someone else introducing me to dinner party style, like, you

Ebonie Allard:

know, when you someone goes, Hi, this is Lala and she does this

Ebonie Allard:

and this is not allowed. And she's really great at this

Ebonie Allard:

thing. And I love that old traditional style of

Ebonie Allard:

introducing. Yeah, it's really lovely to hear someone's opinion

Ebonie Allard:

or perspective actually have you? Absolutely,

Unknown:

absolutely in something that you haven't written, you

Unknown:

know, because then you're like, you get to have that little

Unknown:

insight into someone's mind. Like what how they really

Unknown:

experienced you. Which is like as we're all such mirrors of

Unknown:

each other. It feels really good to hear those things, I mean can

Unknown:

also be frightening and completely upsetting. Like what

Unknown:

you said it was a mega pitch this whole time.

Ebonie Allard:

I can't imagine that happening it for so many.

Unknown:

I did have a client yesterday who like I've been

Unknown:

leading this mentorship group and it's a small group of Woman

Unknown:

and it's just been kind of a dream to have like, kind of a

Unknown:

tiny spiritual community where I lead people through really

Unknown:

transformational experiences like working with ayahuasca and

Unknown:

like doing deep tantric work. And one of my clients and women

Unknown:

in the group was like, you know, there's been times where we all

Unknown:

think you hate us, and then we think you love us. And then we

Unknown:

don't know. And I was like, really why. And I realised, you

Unknown:

know, as you become really close with other women, there are

Unknown:

always moments where you hate each other, we love each other.

Unknown:

Because that person is essentially standing in as a

Unknown:

reflection of you. So you hate yourself. Some days you love

Unknown:

yourself some days, you don't know, if you're loving yourself

Unknown:

some it's just it's such a little bit of a mindfuck in that

Unknown:

sense of like, it's great

Ebonie Allard:

non attachment as well as, like, especially in

Ebonie Allard:

that role. Yes, I'm pretty much the same way. And I'm like, You

Ebonie Allard:

know what, like, what you think I think of you is none of my

Ebonie Allard:

business. Ultimately, none of yours because you're like,

Ebonie Allard:

you're having this whole relationship with yourself right

Ebonie Allard:

now in terms of like, judging what I think I might be thinking

Ebonie Allard:

about you like, I'm just showing up to meet you. Yeah, right,

Ebonie Allard:

exactly. And

Unknown:

that's all you guys, you know, but I forget, I think

Unknown:

because when I'm leading or whatever, of course, I'm not

Unknown:

thinking about the emotional like sort of ongoings of

Unknown:

everybody. If I was trying to manage that I would never be

Unknown:

able to be clear, you know,

Ebonie Allard:

what is just, you know, segwaying outwards,

Ebonie Allard:

because we've dived in really deep already, what does being an

Ebonie Allard:

adult or adulting mean to you?

Unknown:

Well, so I'm like a non traditionalist in many, many

Unknown:

ways, and I'm a rule breaker in many, many ways. I have an

Unknown:

Aquarius, Moon and Venus in Aquarius and the Gemini rising.

Unknown:

But I'm a Pisces, for those of you guys who are into astrology,

Unknown:

the Aquarian energy that, that I feel very emotionally sort of

Unknown:

akin to is an outside the box thinker and a thinker for the

Unknown:

people like you're, it's kind of like you're always trying to

Unknown:

have your thumb on the pulse of the people. And to be one step

Unknown:

ahead of the collective and sort of at the edge of the collective

Unknown:

energy. And so when I look at the word adult, I think,

Unknown:

patriarchy, capitalism, like, duality, you know, and I think

Unknown:

like this psychedelic visionary, one who wants to beat the edge

Unknown:

is just like, that's just another label that creates an

Unknown:

illusion of getting somewhere and have arriving at a

Unknown:

destination. Now, I'm not saying your podcast is called adulting.

Unknown:

So I'm not saying that I don't like think that there's like

Unknown:

some awesomeness in that

Ebonie Allard:

word. Me It's a really big difference between

Ebonie Allard:

adult and adult him, right? Because as soon as you make it a

Ebonie Allard:

verb rather than a noun, something really changes in that

Ebonie Allard:

for me.

Unknown:

Yeah. So I think that if I were to look at it, from

Unknown:

the framework of like, the kind of the self that's been

Unknown:

conditioned the self that's like, been in a wound the self

Unknown:

that is, I don't like to say Missouri lower or higher, but

Unknown:

the self that's like, trying to stand and give itself to the

Unknown:

world really beautifully. Like perhaps adulting could be like,

Unknown:

Hey, I've gotten through my own bullshit. I've gotten through

Unknown:

the conditioning I've gotten through my own traumas and

Unknown:

wounding, and I'm like sock and ready to give it to the world.

Unknown:

And like, I don't care if it's perfect, I don't care if it's

Unknown:

beautiful. If it's messy, I'm gonna give it and I'm going to

Unknown:

show up. Yeah. So

Ebonie Allard:

for me, you know, like, I am gonna give you a

Ebonie Allard:

whole rundown on on my astrological as well, I'm not

Ebonie Allard:

going to do that. Okay. But for me, where am I, from my

Ebonie Allard:

perspective on where I stand this. It's really about this

Ebonie Allard:

duality, right? That you mentioned in there, right? Like,

Ebonie Allard:

how do I be a spiritual being having a human experience when I

Ebonie Allard:

want to just exist in my cave, or like in my field or in the

Ebonie Allard:

ocean, on my own. And at the same time, I need to relate to

Ebonie Allard:

other people because I'm also a relational being and I have this

Ebonie Allard:

like, push pull back forward thing. And being an adult means

Ebonie Allard:

that I am self responsible, that I have choice and that I can

Ebonie Allard:

create or CO create into my experiences. And I would like to

Ebonie Allard:

do that responsibly. And so this for me, the exploration around

Ebonie Allard:

adulting is like how do we show up and live like really human

Ebonie Allard:

lives? With stuff and like other people and roads and things like

Ebonie Allard:

that, and also just really enjoy being and experiencing and

Ebonie Allard:

becoming one.

Unknown:

Yeah, I love that part. That's beautiful. Yeah.

Ebonie Allard:

And I think one of the reasons I wanted to have

Ebonie Allard:

conversation with you about that, particularly, was around

Ebonie Allard:

the relational thing, right? So for a long time I there was like

Ebonie Allard:

this first layer. And again, it's not about going up or down,

Ebonie Allard:

or being better or worse, or higher or lower, like, the first

Ebonie Allard:

layer of me discovering myself involves me getting to a place

Ebonie Allard:

where I'm like, Hey, this is a layer of self acceptance that I

Ebonie Allard:

never realised I would achieve. And then another human came into

Ebonie Allard:

my realm. I'm like, this is harder now. Like, I can love

Ebonie Allard:

myself. And it's just me, I can be really spiritual and

Ebonie Allard:

generous, and all sorts of great things alone. And yet, that's

Ebonie Allard:

not living. And yet, it becomes very boring. And so I want to co

Ebonie Allard:

create what to bring another whatever that looks like one to

Ebonie Allard:

you know, there's no number necessarily on this, but I want

Ebonie Allard:

to bring other people into my reality to co create. And for

Ebonie Allard:

me, that's where the challenge is. How have you found that

Ebonie Allard:

part? How have you found other people? Well, it's,

Unknown:

I'm an only child, which is interesting. Because I

Unknown:

grew up a lot of time alone with like my dog and and I'm pretty

Unknown:

much an extrovert, though I do have like, very introverted

Unknown:

times. But I do really thrive off connection. Sometimes I feel

Unknown:

like as a curse, I'm like, Why do I need love? Why do I need

Unknown:

connection, and I was writing about this this morning, because

Unknown:

it's like, you know, modern spirituality at times can be

Unknown:

like, you know, get the love from the Divine, get the love

Unknown:

from your practice, get the love from yourself, you know, really

Unknown:

master that. And part of that I do feel is true. And part of

Unknown:

that I do feel actually is yet another kind of trap. And I

Unknown:

think that actually surrendering to the fact that we need to

Unknown:

relate, we need to connect, like a baby can't not be born and

Unknown:

placed in a field and then just raise itself. You know, we learn

Unknown:

by each other by mirroring by feeling, you know, I was reading

Unknown:

a book the other night that that female, like some animals lick

Unknown:

their, their baby's skin so that the nervous system is constantly

Unknown:

enlivened, not just cleaning mechanism, it's actually to, to,

Unknown:

to, to kind of soften the nervous system, you know. And

Unknown:

that is, as humans, we could really benefit from that. Like,

Unknown:

what if we got more right then like, just like a little hugging

Unknown:

are a little breastfeeding for a few months?

Ebonie Allard:

Yeah, what is so interesting, because I have

Ebonie Allard:

actually, so growing up, I, so I was born 12 weeks premature. And

Ebonie Allard:

it's a really long time, particularly in 1980. Right. And

Ebonie Allard:

much, much later, I discovered that I had what is now kind of

Ebonie Allard:

described as a norepinephrine addiction, right. And it's

Ebonie Allard:

really interesting to me that I attract quite a few clients who

Ebonie Allard:

are also in that place who actually the idea of hugging or

Ebonie Allard:

intimacy rather than it being like, a really beautiful

Ebonie Allard:

connection thing. It's like it's actually dangerous, like it

Ebonie Allard:

doesn't feel good. And I've done a lot of work and exploration

Ebonie Allard:

around that kind of like, how, what it might be like to enjoy

Ebonie Allard:

it, like what it might be like to really look for and I can see

Ebonie Allard:

I can't even I can't even articulate it because I'm like,

Ebonie Allard:

hugs are nice and stuff. But can I get to know you first like I

Ebonie Allard:

have to if you're safe before I have that level of intimacy. I'm

Ebonie Allard:

like, oh, it's very uninteresting. And I've done a

Ebonie Allard:

lot of work to learn to trust. Yeah.

Unknown:

Which would make sense if we're not given that level of

Unknown:

intimacy by our first caregivers who are those who are supposed

Unknown:

to feel the real safe? If we don't get that baseline, then

Unknown:

why would we, like assume that it's possible ever with anyone

Unknown:

you know, like, we probably assume that it's not and so we

Unknown:

need a lot extra, you know, to be able to open in that space.

Unknown:

And I think that kind of circle linking back to how what you

Unknown:

asked before. You know, I think that when we come here to this

Unknown:

magical Earth school, it is to learn this relational way of

Unknown:

exploring who we are working through things of understanding

Unknown:

ourselves of accelerating our consciousness awareness growth.

Unknown:

And I think that it's essential to our path on this planet like

Unknown:

it is like it is the path is through others unless we go

Unknown:

become a monk and live in a camp, which most of us didn't

Unknown:

incarnate at this time to do that. Otherwise, we would not

Unknown:

have incarnated in the Western world, on the age of Instagram,

Unknown:

if we were supposed to go live in a cave, you know, we would

Unknown:

have incarnated in in some small town in Asia and like, been in a

Unknown:

lineage of monks or something, you know what I mean? So we feel

Ebonie Allard:

about the kind of intersection then of

Ebonie Allard:

spirituality and sexuality because that's really

Ebonie Allard:

interesting to me, when you talk about monks, you talk about

Ebonie Allard:

like, being in that cave, it's like connecting with a higher

Ebonie Allard:

level of consciousness or a different level of

Ebonie Allard:

consciousness, and that expansion through self right, we

Ebonie Allard:

touched on that before. Where does that fit in now into this

Ebonie Allard:

kind of modern age of spirituality?

Unknown:

Hmm. Well, I think that essentially, we are having a

Unknown:

return to understanding that that we embodied in a body

Unknown:

because bodies are awesome, and they're not dirty, and they're

Unknown:

not wrong. And that everything they do is actually perfectly

Unknown:

natural, like shitting is a beautiful thing. You know, like,

Unknown:

dripping things out of your policy is awesome, like, none of

Unknown:

that, all of that because of, you know, puritanical religions,

Unknown:

etc, etc. And even in some Eastern religions, like the body

Unknown:

is not pure the body is to be sort of transcendent in the

Unknown:

lineage and the tradition that I follow, and the teachings that I

Unknown:

follow, the body is actually not unclean, the body is amazing, it

Unknown:

is something to really revere to appreciate. And in that you

Unknown:

don't get to decide that you like the arm, but you don't like

Unknown:

the foot, and the arm is beautiful, but that the foot is

Unknown:

disgusting. And I'm going to try to, to get away from the foot

Unknown:

and pretend it doesn't exist in this life. And so many spiritual

Unknown:

traditions, I feel like have tried to do that with sexuality.

Unknown:

It's like, okay, I really appreciate my nose. But I'm

Unknown:

gonna breathe my way into purifying, you know, my left

Unknown:

armpit. And it's like, that's hilarious to me. You know? Why

Unknown:

would we have been born into this delicious vehicle, and been

Unknown:

asked to ignore one of its parts, right to shut it down?

Unknown:

That to me is human stuff. It's not God's stuff, like I feel

Unknown:

like the human stuff is, is looking at the different

Unknown:

sexuality. I'm talking about metaphorically, if you guys

Unknown:

didn't get that the with my waves. I'm talking about sex

Unknown:

here, kiddos. But if we were born into this, this amazing

Unknown:

vessel, and we were asked to not use a part of it like, then we

Unknown:

wouldn't have it or would have a lock on it. You know, it's an

Unknown:

essential part of our being. And I believe that one of the

Unknown:

reasons that we're so out of touch with the earth and that so

Unknown:

many of the species have been sort of killed and extinct, and

Unknown:

like we're just rapidly pillaging the earth is because

Unknown:

we're treating the earth like our bodies, like we've treated

Unknown:

our bodies, and we've treated our bodies like they're kind of

Unknown:

disposable. They're kind of shameful. We only like them in

Unknown:

certain ways. And it's through this very particular gaze,

Unknown:

right? It's like, the gaze of capitalism, the gaze of what can

Unknown:

I get from it? How can I make it serve me in my ego, or my, my

Unknown:

goals, when in truth, just like the Earth, it's like, our body

Unknown:

is this holistic thing, and we need it, we need every part of

Unknown:

it, we got it, we have to love every part of it. We won't ever

Unknown:

feel whole or happy if we don't accept our sexuality, and like

Unknown:

our wildness and our disgustingness and our

Unknown:

messiness, and however, it shows up for each of us. And I think

Unknown:

until we get to that point, we will be out of alignment with

Unknown:

Mother Nature, because she is us.

Ebonie Allard:

That feels so true for me, you know. And it's

Ebonie Allard:

a really nice other for me another really nice way into

Ebonie Allard:

exploring the relationship that we have with our bodies because

Ebonie Allard:

so many of us feel so separate from them. You know, if we're

Ebonie Allard:

feeling separate from the earth, we're feeling separate in in

Ebonie Allard:

that in any other area like that, then we might go and spend

Ebonie Allard:

some time on purpose communing and getting to know it better,

Ebonie Allard:

right? You didn't We were living in a house and there were rooms

Ebonie Allard:

you hadn't been in, that would be weird, you would go in the

Ebonie Allard:

mall, right? You would go out and go, Oh, I like this one. And

Ebonie Allard:

what can I get up to in here? And what it you know, what does

Ebonie Allard:

it look like? What does the light feel like? What does it

Ebonie Allard:

like feel like I'm different times of day, like, all of that

Ebonie Allard:

stuff. And so many people just have never done that with their,

Ebonie Allard:

with themselves, you know, either internally or externally,

Ebonie Allard:

like with their physical body or with their mind or with their,

Ebonie Allard:

you know, any of it really. Yeah,

Unknown:

exactly. And that, to me is part of the joy of being

Unknown:

alive. It's like, I get to explore every cavern of my

Unknown:

internal world, which some of which are frightening, you know,

Unknown:

and from someone who's done a lot of plant medicine,

Unknown:

psychedelic work, you know, you go in there, you see it all, all

Unknown:

the hidden doors, but behind them, they're also like, the

Unknown:

most magical things you've ever seen in your life. So, and the

Unknown:

same is with our external body. It's like, you know, I've spent

Unknown:

time like really experimenting with sex and sexuality. And I've

Unknown:

done and tried many things. And I don't regret it, because I

Unknown:

have been able to radically explore, there's still things

Unknown:

that I do want to radically explore that, freak the shit out

Unknown:

of me, you know. And I was talking to someone the other

Unknown:

day, who's kind of a lover that i is like a soul friend, that we

Unknown:

can have connected sexually, who was like, he was like, I need

Unknown:

you to show up completely with no shame. And I was like, How do

Unknown:

I do that? And then I told them, I said, Well, the only way that

Unknown:

I can enter into a sexual moment with you with like, zero shame,

Unknown:

is that if I feel very, very, very safe, and I think that we

Unknown:

all need that. And I think that society hasn't really shown us

Unknown:

how to create safe containers. So we're like, we Georges go on

Unknown:

Tinder and do a one night stand, do I just like, become a wild

Unknown:

sex goddess with all my toys, and it's like, no, that's

Unknown:

approaching it from the surface. Because really, you do need a

Unknown:

deep container of secrecy of love of intimacy, it doesn't

Unknown:

have to mean a monogamous relationship, but it's just you

Unknown:

tuned in that deep space, either with yourself or another human,

Unknown:

in order to be able to really go to those places, because they

Unknown:

are very intense, and there are portals to divine infinite

Unknown:

energy, which sometimes can just open up all the cans of worms.

Ebonie Allard:

Um, because we, as humans, are so addicted to

Ebonie Allard:

knowing, right, we're so addicted to certainty, you start

Ebonie Allard:

exploring that energy with someone else from a place of

Ebonie Allard:

complete presence, you have no fucking clue what's gonna show

Ebonie Allard:

up, right? So you have to feel safe, you have to feel that way,

Ebonie Allard:

you know, both of you have to feel safe physically, but also

Ebonie Allard:

in all of these other realms as well. Because if you're gonna

Ebonie Allard:

say, if you're doing it, right, if you're doing it in that kind

Ebonie Allard:

of place, where you're really showing up isn't just a physical

Ebonie Allard:

act, this is so much more.

Unknown:

Yes. And you really, like stuck the nail on the head

Unknown:

there, which is just that the reason I think a lot of people

Unknown:

avoid those spaces of such depth is because there is because

Unknown:

their shits going to come to the surface. And a people don't have

Unknown:

the tools to deal with that necessarily, because they

Unknown:

haven't always done the work. And because we're not taught

Unknown:

them in life. And B, it is very vulnerable. So it's funny,

Unknown:

because I think most of us get rejected by other humans,

Unknown:

because they're not ready to look at their stuff. Like as

Unknown:

simple as that, like women out there, anytime you've been

Unknown:

rejected, it's because he is not able to look or she is not able

Unknown:

to look deeply at the things that are present in their field.

Unknown:

Because you know, when you come in you open intimately,

Unknown:

sexually, whatever, those things will come up. And if the other

Unknown:

person can't deal, they will snap into unconscious behaviour.

Unknown:

And zone out, dissociate, numb out whatever it is, and that's

Unknown:

where the pain happens, and the guilt and the shame, and then

Unknown:

it's just like, you've created more of a mess to clean up

Unknown:

later. Unfortunately, you know, yeah,

Ebonie Allard:

I really do. And I think it's so important to

Ebonie Allard:

work on these other tools, right? If when we have an

Ebonie Allard:

inability to understand that we're mirrors for one another,

Ebonie Allard:

when we understand that, that like when we begin to develop a

Ebonie Allard:

subtlety and an element of sensitivity so that we can

Ebonie Allard:

really recognise like, oh, is this mine? Or Is this yours? Or

Ebonie Allard:

Is this ours? Is this something we've created together? Or Is

Ebonie Allard:

this yours and you're projecting it or am I you know, like, all

Ebonie Allard:

of that stuff? Yeah. without blame without judgement with

Ebonie Allard:

with just a real desire to be present to explore with

Ebonie Allard:

curiosity and to play? Yes,

Unknown:

absolutely. Yeah. But people have to be ready to step

Unknown:

into that space, whether it's just for Friendship are for one

Unknown:

night are for some sort of a play buddy or as a long term

Unknown:

partnership, like, I think they both want to be on the same page

Unknown:

of showing up and taking responsibility for their, for

Unknown:

their, their own shit, you know, and it's such a beautiful,

Unknown:

beautiful thing, when you can step into a sexual or non sexual

Unknown:

intimate moment with someone and share your heart vulnerably and

Unknown:

tell them like out it really hurt. When you said this or did

Unknown:

this, my heart hurts and say it from feeling and have that

Unknown:

person receive and say yes, and not have them go into defensive

Unknown:

behaviour. But literally them say thank you for sharing your

Unknown:

heart. Like to me that has been such a paradigm shift or as I've

Unknown:

had many men in the past few years, be able to sort of hold

Unknown:

that space, and really welcome it like, tell me where I'm being

Unknown:

unconscious, tell me where my actions are hurting you, maybe

Unknown:

maybe it's your stuff, but still tell me and I'm meant to be here

Unknown:

and I'm not going to run, I'm going to hold space for you in

Unknown:

this moment. Like that is such a gift and intimacy for each other

Unknown:

that we do that, since we're all recovering from a lot of

Unknown:

woundedness. Most of us that it happens over the course of our

Unknown:

lives. So to have another human in the most vulnerable heart

Unknown:

open, close on or off, intimate moment, just accept you and not

Unknown:

run and not go into defensive behaviour. But just

Unknown:

compassionately lovingly listen is such a gift. And that is

Unknown:

where the healing happens in these moments, because you can

Unknown:

rewrite such old patterns by just having these things happen.

Unknown:

Your nervous system gets the signal like oh, wait, I shared

Unknown:

my pain and the person didn't leave. You know? Yeah.

Ebonie Allard:

And so for me, it makes it. There's so many levels

Ebonie Allard:

of this, there's so many layers of this. And I can never talk

Ebonie Allard:

about anyone else's experience except my own. But having done a

Ebonie Allard:

lot of personal work, that means that I now feel able to go into

Ebonie Allard:

that space without chucking all of my stuff at someone else.

Unknown:

Yes, yeah, exactly. That's so important. Like, we

Unknown:

have to know our own, you know, demons and our own little

Unknown:

manipulations and our little places that we want to run and

Unknown:

hide or that we don't show up in order to show up, or we'll just

Unknown:

learn them through someone else, because they'll just have it

Unknown:

smacked on our face.

Ebonie Allard:

Well, yeah, and I'm also not saying that I've

Ebonie Allard:

you know, healed any of it at all, but just the willingness to

Ebonie Allard:

show up and go, Oh, you know, I'm actually willing, like, my

Ebonie Allard:

old pattern was to show up fully and then run right through to

Ebonie Allard:

shit gets real. And I'm like, Oh, this you want it? You want

Ebonie Allard:

to know, you want to see me? Oh, okay. No, I'm not okay with

Ebonie Allard:

that. I think I need to leave, you know, and I see a lot of

Ebonie Allard:

other people doing that or experiencing that as well. And

Ebonie Allard:

so yeah, really being able to spend the time getting to know

Ebonie Allard:

ourselves and learn how to self soothe and calm ourselves down

Ebonie Allard:

and understand the signals in our body and go oh, this is

Ebonie Allard:

defensiveness. Or this is pain, or this is fear, like, oh, well,

Ebonie Allard:

this is excitement, even like, I've had situations where I'm

Ebonie Allard:

like, I must leave this is scary. I'm like, Is it scary? Or

Ebonie Allard:

is this sensation actually pleasure? Is this actually like

Ebonie Allard:

a stimulation? And if I stay present with it, and if I know

Ebonie Allard:

I'm safe, can I relax? You know, just exploring?

Unknown:

Yes, absolutely. Yeah.

Ebonie Allard:

Thank you for having this conversation with me

Ebonie Allard:

kind of diving in there. And yeah, really just being

Ebonie Allard:

unashamed and on, inhibited in terms of the language and being

Ebonie Allard:

able to kind of go into the different areas and kind of talk

Ebonie Allard:

about it or if people want to find out more on this sort of

Ebonie Allard:

stuff, where's the best place for them to come find you?

Unknown:

Oh, my Instagram is where I share a lot of my ideas

Unknown:

and poems and thoughts and opinions and things that I'm

Unknown:

personally working on. And that's just at Alexandra rock so

Unknown:

so that's the best place to find me and I love having

Unknown:

conversations about this stuff. I do think it's really important

Unknown:

and how we kind of begin to see the more integrated look at our

Unknown:

spiritual selves as being embodied as really loving our

Unknown:

all of our parts of our being

Ebonie Allard:

and thank you so much.

Unknown:

Thank you so much for having me.

Ebonie Allard:

I'm just going to ask you whether you whether you

Ebonie Allard:

have an I'm an adult but to end with

Unknown:

Oh, ah, okay, let me think here. I am an adult. But I

Unknown:

think most days I feel like a little girl

Ebonie Allard:

off Who should is the best best? I am. I am an

Ebonie Allard:

adult but sometimes I'm really scared still. Yeah. Thank you.

Ebonie Allard:

This has been editing with ebony. I've been Evany you've

Ebonie Allard:

been great. Thank you so much for all of your support. Please

Ebonie Allard:

keep listening, liking, rating and sharing so that more people

Ebonie Allard:

can enjoy and engage with us. If you want even more of me and

Ebonie Allard:

more importantly, even more of you in your world, take the next

Ebonie Allard:

step become a patron and may even Haven member get your free

Ebonie Allard:

human design chart or or your compass aka the value filter. To

Ebonie Allard:

begin your lower go to www dot ebony allied.com forward slash

Ebonie Allard:

welcome more. And I will see you next time

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About the Podcast

Adulting with Ebonie
Your weekly dose of introspection and contemplation on what it means and takes to be a conscious, creative adult with a misfit mind.
Adulting with Ebonie is the weekly podcast that brings together Neurodiversity, Human Design and Embodiment so that Gen X or Millennial Misfits (and late-diagnosed Neurospices) become empowered, embodied and fully expressed. Where I actively encourage you to feel your feelings rather than think them, glow up not grow up and become full of yourself, because who the f*ck else should you be full of? Each week I have real and raw conversations about what it takes to be fully resourced and have happy healthy intimate relationships as a dopamine-deficient adult wanting to create a better future by being the change you want to see in the world.
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About your host

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Ebonie Allard

Ebonie (Alchemy) Allard is a Modern Mystic, a Misfit turned Maven, an Award winning International Master Coach, Certified in Human Design and mBit (Multiple Brain Integration Technique) an Author, Artist and Speaker.

Professionally: She’s the creator of The Misfit to Maven Way, The Value Filter™ system and ‘The AWE (Adulting with Ebonie) Podcast.’

Using a wide range of both ancient and modern medicine she facilitates Self Actualisation in self-selected weirdos and neurodivergent beings.

Her work is specifically focused on empowerment, embodiment & full self-expression.

She shares her wisdom in online courses, intimate retreats and bespoke 1:1 experiences.

Personally: She's a pussycat slash mermaid - when she’s not working you’ll find her splashing about in the sea, curled up in a sunny spot or off chasing a rainbow.