The One about Sex and Spirituality with Alexandra Roxo [Re-release]

Ebonie Allard: 00:00:00

This week's guest is passionate about breaking

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patterns in intimacy that keep us feeling alone, single and

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stuck. She brings an in depth background in psychology

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spirituality and conscious relationship work to her

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practice with couples and single women looking to call in and

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keep love. Her latest book dare to feel the transformational

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path of the heart is out now. Her first book, back like a

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goddess, heal yourself reclaim your voice stand in your power,

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debuted in July 2020 to be number one new release and best

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seller in three categories on Amazon for three weeks in a row

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and was featured on refinery 29 Pop Sugar bustle, and InStyle is

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a radical guidebook for women longing to feel empowered and

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inspired in their sexuality and body. She is best selling

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author, relationship and intimacy coach and mentor,

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Alexandra Roxo. And this is a re released episode, which we

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recorded in August 2018. So before any of that had happened,

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and while she was hosting Moon club, this is a really good

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episode, because I am taking some time out from recording is

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one of my favourite episodes, and I think you'll get a lot

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from it. And if you are a patron, or if you're like

Ebonie Allard: 00:01:23

becoming a patron now, I will be doing a follow up on where she

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is now and what has changed for her and a little bit about her

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journey. Over the last six seven years since we recorded

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Alexandra is somebody who I have kept in touch with and whilst we

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don't see each other regularly, we have continued to stay

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friends and to dialogue with one another. So I really really hope

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that you enjoy this episode. If you do please do reach out to

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her and let her know that you enjoyed it and become a patron

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so that you can hear the lowdown on what's happened to her since

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we recorded this interview. Enjoy.

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You are listening to adulting with Ebonie season seven brings

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together neurodiversity Human Design and embodiment so that

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Gen X or millennial misfits and late diagnosed neuro spaces

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become empowered, embodied and fully expressed. This is the

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show where I actively encourage you to feel your feelings rather

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than think that glow up, not grow up and become full of

Ebonie Allard: 00:02:28

yourself. Because who the fuck else should you be full of each

Ebonie Allard: 00:02:31

week I have real and raw conversations about what it

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takes to be fully resourced and have happy, healthy, intimate

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relationships as a dopamine deficient adult wanting to

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create a better future by being the change that you want to see

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in the world. I'm your host Ebonie Allard aka Ebonie

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Alchemy, a late diagnosed AudHDer combined type

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andaspergers in case you like specifics. Artist, mystic and

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self actualization facilitator. I'm an international award

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winning multiple brain integration technique master

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coach with special interest in embodied human design for Neuro

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divergence. I've been in the personal development creativity

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and entrepreneurship spaces all of my life and as a five to

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emotional manifesting generator with a left angle cross of

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destruction. I am here to help you know what to trust and what

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to tune out. Each week I share relatable practical ways that

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mean you get to take less responsibility for more award

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and safely remove your camouflage for more belonging,

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acceptance and fulfilment. Ready, let's go

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welcome.

Alexandra Roxo: 00:03:43

Thank you so much. It's really nice to have

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someone else read your bio, because you're like, oh, wow, I

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have done something. You sort of forget, you know,

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you know what I really know like, it's equally

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like when anyone explains who you are like, I really love

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someone else introducing me to dinner party style, like, you

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know, when you someone goes, Hi, this is Lala and she does this

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and this is not allowed. And she's really great at this

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thing. And I love that old traditional style of

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introducing. Yeah, it's really lovely to hear someone's opinion

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or perspective actually have you? Absolutely,

Unknown: 00:04:24

absolutely in something that you haven't written, you

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know, because then you're like, you get to have that little

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insight into someone's mind. Like what how they really

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experienced you. Which is like as we're all such mirrors of

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each other. It feels really good to hear those things, I mean can

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also be frightening and completely upsetting. Like what

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you said it was a mega pitch this whole time.

Ebonie Allard: 00:04:50

I can't imagine that happening it for so many.

Unknown: 00:04:53

I did have a client yesterday who like I've been

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leading this mentorship group and it's a small group of Woman

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and it's just been kind of a dream to have like, kind of a

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tiny spiritual community where I lead people through really

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transformational experiences like working with ayahuasca and

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like doing deep tantric work. And one of my clients and women

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in the group was like, you know, there's been times where we all

Unknown: 00:05:21

think you hate us, and then we think you love us. And then we

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don't know. And I was like, really why. And I realised, you

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know, as you become really close with other women, there are

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always moments where you hate each other, we love each other.

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Because that person is essentially standing in as a

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reflection of you. So you hate yourself. Some days you love

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yourself some days, you don't know, if you're loving yourself

Unknown: 00:05:45

some it's just it's such a little bit of a mindfuck in that

Unknown: 00:05:49

sense of like, it's great

Ebonie Allard: 00:05:51

non attachment as well as, like, especially in

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that role. Yes, I'm pretty much the same way. And I'm like, You

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know what, like, what you think I think of you is none of my

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business. Ultimately, none of yours because you're like,

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you're having this whole relationship with yourself right

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now in terms of like, judging what I think I might be thinking

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about you like, I'm just showing up to meet you. Yeah, right,

Ebonie Allard: 00:06:14

exactly. And

Unknown: 00:06:15

that's all you guys, you know, but I forget, I think

Unknown: 00:06:18

because when I'm leading or whatever, of course, I'm not

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thinking about the emotional like sort of ongoings of

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everybody. If I was trying to manage that I would never be

Unknown: 00:06:28

able to be clear, you know,

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what is just, you know, segwaying outwards,

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because we've dived in really deep already, what does being an

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adult or adulting mean to you?

Unknown: 00:06:42

Well, so I'm like a non traditionalist in many, many

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ways, and I'm a rule breaker in many, many ways. I have an

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Aquarius, Moon and Venus in Aquarius and the Gemini rising.

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But I'm a Pisces, for those of you guys who are into astrology,

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the Aquarian energy that, that I feel very emotionally sort of

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akin to is an outside the box thinker and a thinker for the

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people like you're, it's kind of like you're always trying to

Unknown: 00:07:16

have your thumb on the pulse of the people. And to be one step

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ahead of the collective and sort of at the edge of the collective

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energy. And so when I look at the word adult, I think,

Unknown: 00:07:30

patriarchy, capitalism, like, duality, you know, and I think

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like this psychedelic visionary, one who wants to beat the edge

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is just like, that's just another label that creates an

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illusion of getting somewhere and have arriving at a

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destination. Now, I'm not saying your podcast is called adulting.

Unknown: 00:07:57

So I'm not saying that I don't like think that there's like

Unknown: 00:07:59

some awesomeness in that

Ebonie Allard: 00:08:02

word. Me It's a really big difference between

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adult and adult him, right? Because as soon as you make it a

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verb rather than a noun, something really changes in that

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for me.

Unknown: 00:08:11

Yeah. So I think that if I were to look at it, from

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the framework of like, the kind of the self that's been

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conditioned the self that's like, been in a wound the self

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that is, I don't like to say Missouri lower or higher, but

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the self that's like, trying to stand and give itself to the

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world really beautifully. Like perhaps adulting could be like,

Unknown: 00:08:42

Hey, I've gotten through my own bullshit. I've gotten through

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the conditioning I've gotten through my own traumas and

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wounding, and I'm like sock and ready to give it to the world.

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And like, I don't care if it's perfect, I don't care if it's

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beautiful. If it's messy, I'm gonna give it and I'm going to

Unknown: 00:09:01

show up. Yeah. So

Ebonie Allard: 00:09:04

for me, you know, like, I am gonna give you a

Ebonie Allard: 00:09:08

whole rundown on on my astrological as well, I'm not

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going to do that. Okay. But for me, where am I, from my

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perspective on where I stand this. It's really about this

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duality, right? That you mentioned in there, right? Like,

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how do I be a spiritual being having a human experience when I

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want to just exist in my cave, or like in my field or in the

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ocean, on my own. And at the same time, I need to relate to

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other people because I'm also a relational being and I have this

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like, push pull back forward thing. And being an adult means

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that I am self responsible, that I have choice and that I can

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create or CO create into my experiences. And I would like to

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do that responsibly. And so this for me, the exploration around

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adulting is like how do we show up and live like really human

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lives? With stuff and like other people and roads and things like

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that, and also just really enjoy being and experiencing and

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becoming one.

Unknown: 00:10:12

Yeah, I love that part. That's beautiful. Yeah.

Ebonie Allard: 00:10:17

And I think one of the reasons I wanted to have

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conversation with you about that, particularly, was around

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the relational thing, right? So for a long time I there was like

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this first layer. And again, it's not about going up or down,

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or being better or worse, or higher or lower, like, the first

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layer of me discovering myself involves me getting to a place

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where I'm like, Hey, this is a layer of self acceptance that I

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never realised I would achieve. And then another human came into

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my realm. I'm like, this is harder now. Like, I can love

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myself. And it's just me, I can be really spiritual and

Ebonie Allard: 00:10:56

generous, and all sorts of great things alone. And yet, that's

Ebonie Allard: 00:11:02

not living. And yet, it becomes very boring. And so I want to co

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create what to bring another whatever that looks like one to

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you know, there's no number necessarily on this, but I want

Ebonie Allard: 00:11:11

to bring other people into my reality to co create. And for

Ebonie Allard: 00:11:15

me, that's where the challenge is. How have you found that

Ebonie Allard: 00:11:20

part? How have you found other people? Well, it's,

Unknown: 00:11:27

I'm an only child, which is interesting. Because I

Unknown: 00:11:31

grew up a lot of time alone with like my dog and and I'm pretty

Unknown: 00:11:38

much an extrovert, though I do have like, very introverted

Unknown: 00:11:41

times. But I do really thrive off connection. Sometimes I feel

Unknown: 00:11:48

like as a curse, I'm like, Why do I need love? Why do I need

Unknown: 00:11:53

connection, and I was writing about this this morning, because

Unknown: 00:11:56

it's like, you know, modern spirituality at times can be

Unknown: 00:12:01

like, you know, get the love from the Divine, get the love

Unknown: 00:12:04

from your practice, get the love from yourself, you know, really

Unknown: 00:12:09

master that. And part of that I do feel is true. And part of

Unknown: 00:12:15

that I do feel actually is yet another kind of trap. And I

Unknown: 00:12:22

think that actually surrendering to the fact that we need to

Unknown: 00:12:27

relate, we need to connect, like a baby can't not be born and

Unknown: 00:12:32

placed in a field and then just raise itself. You know, we learn

Unknown: 00:12:37

by each other by mirroring by feeling, you know, I was reading

Unknown: 00:12:41

a book the other night that that female, like some animals lick

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their, their baby's skin so that the nervous system is constantly

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enlivened, not just cleaning mechanism, it's actually to, to,

Unknown: 00:13:01

to, to kind of soften the nervous system, you know. And

Unknown: 00:13:07

that is, as humans, we could really benefit from that. Like,

Unknown: 00:13:11

what if we got more right then like, just like a little hugging

Unknown: 00:13:19

are a little breastfeeding for a few months?

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:22

Yeah, what is so interesting, because I have

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:24

actually, so growing up, I, so I was born 12 weeks premature. And

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:32

it's a really long time, particularly in 1980. Right. And

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:37

much, much later, I discovered that I had what is now kind of

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:41

described as a norepinephrine addiction, right. And it's

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:46

really interesting to me that I attract quite a few clients who

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:49

are also in that place who actually the idea of hugging or

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:52

intimacy rather than it being like, a really beautiful

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:56

connection thing. It's like it's actually dangerous, like it

Ebonie Allard: 00:13:58

doesn't feel good. And I've done a lot of work and exploration

Ebonie Allard: 00:14:04

around that kind of like, how, what it might be like to enjoy

Ebonie Allard: 00:14:09

it, like what it might be like to really look for and I can see

Ebonie Allard: 00:14:16

I can't even I can't even articulate it because I'm like,

Ebonie Allard: 00:14:18

hugs are nice and stuff. But can I get to know you first like I

Ebonie Allard: 00:14:20

have to if you're safe before I have that level of intimacy. I'm

Ebonie Allard: 00:14:26

like, oh, it's very uninteresting. And I've done a

Ebonie Allard: 00:14:29

lot of work to learn to trust. Yeah.

Unknown: 00:14:32

Which would make sense if we're not given that level of

Unknown: 00:14:35

intimacy by our first caregivers who are those who are supposed

Unknown: 00:14:39

to feel the real safe? If we don't get that baseline, then

Unknown: 00:14:43

why would we, like assume that it's possible ever with anyone

Unknown: 00:14:47

you know, like, we probably assume that it's not and so we

Unknown: 00:14:50

need a lot extra, you know, to be able to open in that space.

Unknown: 00:14:57

And I think that kind of circle linking back to how what you

Unknown: 00:15:01

asked before. You know, I think that when we come here to this

Unknown: 00:15:07

magical Earth school, it is to learn this relational way of

Unknown: 00:15:15

exploring who we are working through things of understanding

Unknown: 00:15:19

ourselves of accelerating our consciousness awareness growth.

Unknown: 00:15:25

And I think that it's essential to our path on this planet like

Unknown: 00:15:32

it is like it is the path is through others unless we go

Unknown: 00:15:36

become a monk and live in a camp, which most of us didn't

Unknown: 00:15:38

incarnate at this time to do that. Otherwise, we would not

Unknown: 00:15:41

have incarnated in the Western world, on the age of Instagram,

Unknown: 00:15:46

if we were supposed to go live in a cave, you know, we would

Unknown: 00:15:48

have incarnated in in some small town in Asia and like, been in a

Unknown: 00:15:53

lineage of monks or something, you know what I mean? So we feel

Ebonie Allard: 00:15:58

about the kind of intersection then of

Ebonie Allard: 00:16:00

spirituality and sexuality because that's really

Ebonie Allard: 00:16:03

interesting to me, when you talk about monks, you talk about

Ebonie Allard: 00:16:05

like, being in that cave, it's like connecting with a higher

Ebonie Allard: 00:16:10

level of consciousness or a different level of

Ebonie Allard: 00:16:11

consciousness, and that expansion through self right, we

Ebonie Allard: 00:16:14

touched on that before. Where does that fit in now into this

Ebonie Allard: 00:16:17

kind of modern age of spirituality?

Unknown: 00:16:20

Hmm. Well, I think that essentially, we are having a

Unknown: 00:16:25

return to understanding that that we embodied in a body

Unknown: 00:16:29

because bodies are awesome, and they're not dirty, and they're

Unknown: 00:16:32

not wrong. And that everything they do is actually perfectly

Unknown: 00:16:37

natural, like shitting is a beautiful thing. You know, like,

Unknown: 00:16:41

dripping things out of your policy is awesome, like, none of

Unknown: 00:16:45

that, all of that because of, you know, puritanical religions,

Unknown: 00:16:50

etc, etc. And even in some Eastern religions, like the body

Unknown: 00:16:53

is not pure the body is to be sort of transcendent in the

Unknown: 00:16:57

lineage and the tradition that I follow, and the teachings that I

Unknown: 00:17:02

follow, the body is actually not unclean, the body is amazing, it

Unknown: 00:17:07

is something to really revere to appreciate. And in that you

Unknown: 00:17:12

don't get to decide that you like the arm, but you don't like

Unknown: 00:17:14

the foot, and the arm is beautiful, but that the foot is

Unknown: 00:17:18

disgusting. And I'm going to try to, to get away from the foot

Unknown: 00:17:22

and pretend it doesn't exist in this life. And so many spiritual

Unknown: 00:17:26

traditions, I feel like have tried to do that with sexuality.

Unknown: 00:17:29

It's like, okay, I really appreciate my nose. But I'm

Unknown: 00:17:33

gonna breathe my way into purifying, you know, my left

Unknown: 00:17:37

armpit. And it's like, that's hilarious to me. You know? Why

Unknown: 00:17:42

would we have been born into this delicious vehicle, and been

Unknown: 00:17:46

asked to ignore one of its parts, right to shut it down?

Unknown: 00:17:52

That to me is human stuff. It's not God's stuff, like I feel

Unknown: 00:17:56

like the human stuff is, is looking at the different

Unknown: 00:18:00

sexuality. I'm talking about metaphorically, if you guys

Unknown: 00:18:02

didn't get that the with my waves. I'm talking about sex

Unknown: 00:18:07

here, kiddos. But if we were born into this, this amazing

Unknown: 00:18:13

vessel, and we were asked to not use a part of it like, then we

Unknown: 00:18:17

wouldn't have it or would have a lock on it. You know, it's an

Unknown: 00:18:21

essential part of our being. And I believe that one of the

Unknown: 00:18:25

reasons that we're so out of touch with the earth and that so

Unknown: 00:18:28

many of the species have been sort of killed and extinct, and

Unknown: 00:18:32

like we're just rapidly pillaging the earth is because

Unknown: 00:18:35

we're treating the earth like our bodies, like we've treated

Unknown: 00:18:38

our bodies, and we've treated our bodies like they're kind of

Unknown: 00:18:41

disposable. They're kind of shameful. We only like them in

Unknown: 00:18:46

certain ways. And it's through this very particular gaze,

Unknown: 00:18:50

right? It's like, the gaze of capitalism, the gaze of what can

Unknown: 00:18:54

I get from it? How can I make it serve me in my ego, or my, my

Unknown: 00:18:59

goals, when in truth, just like the Earth, it's like, our body

Unknown: 00:19:03

is this holistic thing, and we need it, we need every part of

Unknown: 00:19:08

it, we got it, we have to love every part of it. We won't ever

Unknown: 00:19:12

feel whole or happy if we don't accept our sexuality, and like

Unknown: 00:19:16

our wildness and our disgustingness and our

Unknown: 00:19:18

messiness, and however, it shows up for each of us. And I think

Unknown: 00:19:23

until we get to that point, we will be out of alignment with

Unknown: 00:19:28

Mother Nature, because she is us.

Ebonie Allard: 00:19:32

That feels so true for me, you know. And it's

Ebonie Allard: 00:19:36

a really nice other for me another really nice way into

Ebonie Allard: 00:19:40

exploring the relationship that we have with our bodies because

Ebonie Allard: 00:19:43

so many of us feel so separate from them. You know, if we're

Ebonie Allard: 00:19:47

feeling separate from the earth, we're feeling separate in in

Ebonie Allard: 00:19:51

that in any other area like that, then we might go and spend

Ebonie Allard: 00:19:54

some time on purpose communing and getting to know it better,

Ebonie Allard: 00:19:58

right? You didn't We were living in a house and there were rooms

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:01

you hadn't been in, that would be weird, you would go in the

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:04

mall, right? You would go out and go, Oh, I like this one. And

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:07

what can I get up to in here? And what it you know, what does

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:09

it look like? What does the light feel like? What does it

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:11

like feel like I'm different times of day, like, all of that

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:14

stuff. And so many people just have never done that with their,

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:18

with themselves, you know, either internally or externally,

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:22

like with their physical body or with their mind or with their,

Ebonie Allard: 00:20:25

you know, any of it really. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:20:27

exactly. And that, to me is part of the joy of being

Unknown: 00:20:30

alive. It's like, I get to explore every cavern of my

Unknown: 00:20:34

internal world, which some of which are frightening, you know,

Unknown: 00:20:39

and from someone who's done a lot of plant medicine,

Unknown: 00:20:41

psychedelic work, you know, you go in there, you see it all, all

Unknown: 00:20:45

the hidden doors, but behind them, they're also like, the

Unknown: 00:20:48

most magical things you've ever seen in your life. So, and the

Unknown: 00:20:51

same is with our external body. It's like, you know, I've spent

Unknown: 00:20:54

time like really experimenting with sex and sexuality. And I've

Unknown: 00:21:00

done and tried many things. And I don't regret it, because I

Unknown: 00:21:09

have been able to radically explore, there's still things

Unknown: 00:21:12

that I do want to radically explore that, freak the shit out

Unknown: 00:21:15

of me, you know. And I was talking to someone the other

Unknown: 00:21:18

day, who's kind of a lover that i is like a soul friend, that we

Unknown: 00:21:24

can have connected sexually, who was like, he was like, I need

Unknown: 00:21:27

you to show up completely with no shame. And I was like, How do

Unknown: 00:21:32

I do that? And then I told them, I said, Well, the only way that

Unknown: 00:21:36

I can enter into a sexual moment with you with like, zero shame,

Unknown: 00:21:41

is that if I feel very, very, very safe, and I think that we

Unknown: 00:21:45

all need that. And I think that society hasn't really shown us

Unknown: 00:21:48

how to create safe containers. So we're like, we Georges go on

Unknown: 00:21:52

Tinder and do a one night stand, do I just like, become a wild

Unknown: 00:21:56

sex goddess with all my toys, and it's like, no, that's

Unknown: 00:21:59

approaching it from the surface. Because really, you do need a

Unknown: 00:22:03

deep container of secrecy of love of intimacy, it doesn't

Unknown: 00:22:08

have to mean a monogamous relationship, but it's just you

Unknown: 00:22:10

tuned in that deep space, either with yourself or another human,

Unknown: 00:22:15

in order to be able to really go to those places, because they

Unknown: 00:22:19

are very intense, and there are portals to divine infinite

Unknown: 00:22:23

energy, which sometimes can just open up all the cans of worms.

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:28

Um, because we, as humans, are so addicted to

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:34

knowing, right, we're so addicted to certainty, you start

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:38

exploring that energy with someone else from a place of

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:42

complete presence, you have no fucking clue what's gonna show

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:45

up, right? So you have to feel safe, you have to feel that way,

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:49

you know, both of you have to feel safe physically, but also

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:53

in all of these other realms as well. Because if you're gonna

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:56

say, if you're doing it, right, if you're doing it in that kind

Ebonie Allard: 00:22:59

of place, where you're really showing up isn't just a physical

Ebonie Allard: 00:23:02

act, this is so much more.

Unknown: 00:23:04

Yes. And you really, like stuck the nail on the head

Unknown: 00:23:07

there, which is just that the reason I think a lot of people

Unknown: 00:23:13

avoid those spaces of such depth is because there is because

Unknown: 00:23:18

their shits going to come to the surface. And a people don't have

Unknown: 00:23:22

the tools to deal with that necessarily, because they

Unknown: 00:23:24

haven't always done the work. And because we're not taught

Unknown: 00:23:26

them in life. And B, it is very vulnerable. So it's funny,

Unknown: 00:23:32

because I think most of us get rejected by other humans,

Unknown: 00:23:36

because they're not ready to look at their stuff. Like as

Unknown: 00:23:39

simple as that, like women out there, anytime you've been

Unknown: 00:23:43

rejected, it's because he is not able to look or she is not able

Unknown: 00:23:48

to look deeply at the things that are present in their field.

Unknown: 00:23:52

Because you know, when you come in you open intimately,

Unknown: 00:23:55

sexually, whatever, those things will come up. And if the other

Unknown: 00:24:00

person can't deal, they will snap into unconscious behaviour.

Unknown: 00:24:05

And zone out, dissociate, numb out whatever it is, and that's

Unknown: 00:24:10

where the pain happens, and the guilt and the shame, and then

Unknown: 00:24:12

it's just like, you've created more of a mess to clean up

Unknown: 00:24:16

later. Unfortunately, you know, yeah,

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:19

I really do. And I think it's so important to

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:22

work on these other tools, right? If when we have an

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:25

inability to understand that we're mirrors for one another,

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:29

when we understand that, that like when we begin to develop a

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:32

subtlety and an element of sensitivity so that we can

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:36

really recognise like, oh, is this mine? Or Is this yours? Or

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:39

Is this ours? Is this something we've created together? Or Is

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:41

this yours and you're projecting it or am I you know, like, all

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:44

of that stuff? Yeah. without blame without judgement with

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:47

with just a real desire to be present to explore with

Ebonie Allard: 00:24:51

curiosity and to play? Yes,

Unknown: 00:24:54

absolutely. Yeah. But people have to be ready to step

Unknown: 00:24:57

into that space, whether it's just for Friendship are for one

Unknown: 00:25:01

night are for some sort of a play buddy or as a long term

Unknown: 00:25:05

partnership, like, I think they both want to be on the same page

Unknown: 00:25:09

of showing up and taking responsibility for their, for

Unknown: 00:25:15

their, their own shit, you know, and it's such a beautiful,

Unknown: 00:25:18

beautiful thing, when you can step into a sexual or non sexual

Unknown: 00:25:22

intimate moment with someone and share your heart vulnerably and

Unknown: 00:25:26

tell them like out it really hurt. When you said this or did

Unknown: 00:25:30

this, my heart hurts and say it from feeling and have that

Unknown: 00:25:34

person receive and say yes, and not have them go into defensive

Unknown: 00:25:39

behaviour. But literally them say thank you for sharing your

Unknown: 00:25:43

heart. Like to me that has been such a paradigm shift or as I've

Unknown: 00:25:47

had many men in the past few years, be able to sort of hold

Unknown: 00:25:51

that space, and really welcome it like, tell me where I'm being

Unknown: 00:25:55

unconscious, tell me where my actions are hurting you, maybe

Unknown: 00:26:01

maybe it's your stuff, but still tell me and I'm meant to be here

Unknown: 00:26:04

and I'm not going to run, I'm going to hold space for you in

Unknown: 00:26:08

this moment. Like that is such a gift and intimacy for each other

Unknown: 00:26:11

that we do that, since we're all recovering from a lot of

Unknown: 00:26:15

woundedness. Most of us that it happens over the course of our

Unknown: 00:26:19

lives. So to have another human in the most vulnerable heart

Unknown: 00:26:23

open, close on or off, intimate moment, just accept you and not

Unknown: 00:26:29

run and not go into defensive behaviour. But just

Unknown: 00:26:33

compassionately lovingly listen is such a gift. And that is

Unknown: 00:26:36

where the healing happens in these moments, because you can

Unknown: 00:26:39

rewrite such old patterns by just having these things happen.

Unknown: 00:26:43

Your nervous system gets the signal like oh, wait, I shared

Unknown: 00:26:47

my pain and the person didn't leave. You know? Yeah.

Ebonie Allard: 00:26:51

And so for me, it makes it. There's so many levels

Ebonie Allard: 00:26:56

of this, there's so many layers of this. And I can never talk

Ebonie Allard: 00:26:59

about anyone else's experience except my own. But having done a

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:03

lot of personal work, that means that I now feel able to go into

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:09

that space without chucking all of my stuff at someone else.

Unknown: 00:27:13

Yes, yeah, exactly. That's so important. Like, we

Unknown: 00:27:16

have to know our own, you know, demons and our own little

Unknown: 00:27:22

manipulations and our little places that we want to run and

Unknown: 00:27:26

hide or that we don't show up in order to show up, or we'll just

Unknown: 00:27:31

learn them through someone else, because they'll just have it

Unknown: 00:27:33

smacked on our face.

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:35

Well, yeah, and I'm also not saying that I've

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:37

you know, healed any of it at all, but just the willingness to

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:41

show up and go, Oh, you know, I'm actually willing, like, my

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:44

old pattern was to show up fully and then run right through to

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:49

shit gets real. And I'm like, Oh, this you want it? You want

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:52

to know, you want to see me? Oh, okay. No, I'm not okay with

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:55

that. I think I need to leave, you know, and I see a lot of

Ebonie Allard: 00:27:58

other people doing that or experiencing that as well. And

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:02

so yeah, really being able to spend the time getting to know

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:07

ourselves and learn how to self soothe and calm ourselves down

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:11

and understand the signals in our body and go oh, this is

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:14

defensiveness. Or this is pain, or this is fear, like, oh, well,

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:17

this is excitement, even like, I've had situations where I'm

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:20

like, I must leave this is scary. I'm like, Is it scary? Or

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:23

is this sensation actually pleasure? Is this actually like

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:27

a stimulation? And if I stay present with it, and if I know

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:31

I'm safe, can I relax? You know, just exploring?

Unknown: 00:28:35

Yes, absolutely. Yeah.

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:40

Thank you for having this conversation with me

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:43

kind of diving in there. And yeah, really just being

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:46

unashamed and on, inhibited in terms of the language and being

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:51

able to kind of go into the different areas and kind of talk

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:54

about it or if people want to find out more on this sort of

Ebonie Allard: 00:28:59

stuff, where's the best place for them to come find you?

Unknown: 00:29:02

Oh, my Instagram is where I share a lot of my ideas

Unknown: 00:29:06

and poems and thoughts and opinions and things that I'm

Unknown: 00:29:09

personally working on. And that's just at Alexandra rock so

Unknown: 00:29:15

so that's the best place to find me and I love having

Unknown: 00:29:18

conversations about this stuff. I do think it's really important

Unknown: 00:29:21

and how we kind of begin to see the more integrated look at our

Unknown: 00:29:27

spiritual selves as being embodied as really loving our

Unknown: 00:29:32

all of our parts of our being

Ebonie Allard: 00:29:35

and thank you so much.

Unknown: 00:29:38

Thank you so much for having me.

Ebonie Allard: 00:29:41

I'm just going to ask you whether you whether you

Ebonie Allard: 00:29:43

have an I'm an adult but to end with

Unknown: 00:29:46

Oh, ah, okay, let me think here. I am an adult. But I

Unknown: 00:29:55

think most days I feel like a little girl

Ebonie Allard: 00:29:59

off Who should is the best best? I am. I am an

Ebonie Allard: 00:30:08

adult but sometimes I'm really scared still. Yeah. Thank you.

Ebonie Allard: 00:30:17

This has been editing with ebony. I've been Evany you've

Ebonie Allard: 00:30:20

been great. Thank you so much for all of your support. Please

Ebonie Allard: 00:30:25

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Ebonie Allard: 00:30:28

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begin your lower go to www dot ebony allied.com forward slash

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welcome more. And I will see you next time